” J” is for Jealous!

This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge April 2015 and is for April 11.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives the following definition for JEALOUS:

1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness  

   b : disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness

2 : hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage  

3 : vigilant in guarding a possession

So when I look at these definitions of jealous, I don’t like them. So you’re probably thinking, why would you pick this word if you don’t like the definitions? Because there is one of the definitions that does stand out specifically because of how it relates to me during my active alcoholism/addiction. That definition is number three, vigilant in guarding a possession.

Vigilant in guarding a possession! What do we protect? Well we protect our homes, we protect our families, we protect our pets, and for most folks we protect our sanity and our health. But what happens if you are a raging alcoholic who also is a raging cocaine addict? What you do you become vigilant in guarding then?

As for me, I became so vigilant in protecting my ability to drink the way I wanted to and use the way I wanted. I refused to listen to anyone who had even a negative utterance regarding my drinking. Everybody knew I was a drinker, but only a few knew how bad the addiction with cocaine was, that one I truly protected vigilantly I guarded with my life so to speak.

What kind of illness just allows somebody to voluntarily give up their job, almost voluntarily give up their partner of over 12 years, their home, their beloved animals, and know that there’s a very good possibility that they will go to jail because their partner is done? So there’s a lot of speculation and discussion regarding alcoholism and addiction whether or not it’s truly a choice, whether it is an illness and what is really funny is that those same discussions are also being held about homosexuality. Which is another strike that I have.

What I have is a true belief that alcoholism/addiction is an illness that is compounded by other illnesses and sometimes we alcoholics/addicts do not know or realize we had these other illnesses until we decide that it is time for us to quit being sick and tired. It took me six months in recovery when I had been working with a chemical dependency counselor and I went to the psychiatrist and became clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression. I’m a little manic no wonder I was such a drunk and addict.

So when we think about being jealous and guarding something vigilantly we have to be able to understand why the individual is being so vigilant about guarding their alcoholism/addiction. Because I can tell you that I never loved being an alcoholic/addict. I spent many a day at my kitchen table after work and even after I gave up my job begging my higher power whom I choose to call God to take the affliction away from. But my higher power saw that I was guarding my alcoholism/addiction with my life. Why do I say this? Because my higher power knew that I was not believing that he would help me. On February 13, 2014 when I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired and I meant the words that I was saying and I truly believed that God was going to help me and restore me to sanity I began to see the promises coming true. Not quickly, not slowly, in just the right amount of time.

So today I am no longer guarding vigilantly my alcoholism/addiction but I am vigilantly guarding my recovery from alcoholism/addiction. So what possession are you vigilant in guarding? Until next time, that’s What’s Rattling My Cage!”

 J

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